I think about killing myself a lot

Not so much as a realistic action

More as a temporary relief from the present

There’s no reason for concern though

Even when I’m low I still won’t kill myself

Because then the sadness would end

And that sadness is how I’ve come to define myself

It’s been with me so long

I think I can consider it my longest relationship

The sadness has shaped my life choices

My career and my, air quotes, artistic work

So much so, I often worry that without it

Will I have anything left to say?

I am terrified by this

More terrified than the infinite possibilities

That getting up out of bed presents

The sadness is such a part of me now

So attached it’s almost a conjoined twin

Constantly reminding me I’m not enough

Because what if

What if it’s actually my most interesting part?

Its endless gluttony, feasting like a parasite

On everything I could have done

Everyone I could have become

leaving me with little more

than some awkward prose

and an ability to laugh off the growing number of
fallen friends.