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STAGE DESIGN: A hive-like forest of light bulbs dominates and illuminates the stage. Different bulbs of different shapes, sizes and brightness. Various conversations occur, the order doesn’t matter as it’s quite inconsequential when you consider the wider universe.

** The following passage of text is a only a short excerpt. Please purchase a box of Samphetamine to read the full playscript. **


I hate kids.

Lots of people do.

I mean genuinely hate.


They’re so fucking naïve.

Comes with the territory.

Maybe hate is the wrong word...

Depressing is better.

They’re depressing to look at.

How so?

That’s it.
The best life had to offer.

Running around screaming?

Total ignorance.
All-encompassing ignorance.


I think most people say innocence.

Oh sure. Yeah. But…I mean…do you not see my point?

I guess.

The older they get; the more weight is added to their shoulders. Right now, it’s dragons and birthday cake. Soon...’ll be homelessness, war, refugees, rent, council tax, electric and gas, moving, clothes, dentist, insecurity, mental health, physical health, anorexia, bulimia, body dysmorphia, gender reassignment, depression, schizophrenia, depersonalisation disorder, autism, bipolar disorder, nymphomania, sex, love, drugs, alcohol, alcoholism, misogyny, homophobia, arachnophobia, xenophobia, germaphobia, lactose intolerance, vegetarianism, veganism, fruitarianism, lesbianism, feminism, infertility, cooking, vacuuming, washing, cleaning, best man speeches, maid of honour responsibilities, desperate one night stands, religion, Atheism, Judaism, Mormonism, Catholicism, paedophilia, rape, murder, disfigurement, miscarriages, suicides, slashed wrists, 4am insomnia, never dreaming, dreaming too much, sleep paralysis, sleep walking, bruises, uncomfortable questions, being pushed down the stairs, never falling in love, falling in love with the wrong people, regrets, guilt, overwhelming anxiety, job interviews, and testing, Endless testing.

A never-ending  fucking conveyor belt of testing.

But for now, it’s dragons and birthday cake.

For now, it’s dragons and birthday cake.


Would you punch your sister for a million pounds?


Would you punch your brother for a billion pounds?

I’d punch my brother for free.


I fucking love Florence & The Machine.


Did you say ‘no’?


Did you?

Did I?

Say ‘no’

I said ‘no’.

Out loud?


Say ‘no’.

Out loud?



You said ‘yes’?

I said ‘no’.

Did you lead them on?


I love airports.

[squeals in excitement, moves away]

It’s exciting don’t you think?

The energy.

All the…


I got a very cheap ticket.

Last minute.

Didn’t even know where it was going.

Just had to go, y’know?

I never do stuff like this!

I’m usually very careful...

plan everything out in detail.


New years resolution.


This is so crazy!